The Test

The test was upon us. Well, upon me. It was either pass this one, or spend my days desperately refreshing the DVLA test booking page, hoping someone cancels and opens up a spot I find and can book. Because by September 19, the odds of finding another test before Halloween were not very good. My instructor said that another student of his paid some service to find a booking for him, but it sounded kind of shady. Plus it seemed like too much coordination, with them contacting you, you contacting the instructor to make sure he's free, you giving random people personal details... Worst, worst case scenario I would simply have to make the long journey to work after October 31 by train then bus. Which isn't impossible, I did know someone who did it. But it sounded like a huge inconvenience, the busses were flaky and unreliable as busses generally are, she'd always be concerned about leaving work at the right time to catch the bus, and furthermore, it's becoming icky, dark, cold, wet season. (Those whole two weeks of cute warm-ish weather that the Brits think is "summer" have long gone...)

I woke up painfully early for my 7:30 am driving practice with my instructor before my 8:30 am test. After having a night full of waking up, head racing with anxiety ridden thoughts, and not being able to go back to sleep for a while after. I was all nervy and twitchy, there was no denying it. Or was it the too big scoop of instant coffee I made for myself, that I don't usually make, but didn't feel like making real coffee like I do at work. I had done these superstitious rituals, wore superstitious "lucky" things, even asked my dear departed Dad to help me out with this (I failed twice in the US before I spent a bunch of time driving with him and he took me for my test and I passed). I was sure welcome to divine intervention.

My instructor and I drove around, I got the reverse park and parallel park down to a level that I was satisfied enough with. We peeked under the hood of the car once more to review things. See, on the test here, they ask two "show me/tell me" questions - asking you things like how to check oil, coolant, how to switch on your high beams, or as they say here "change from dipped to main headlights"... so much different terminology. My instructor laughed when I used the phrase "rear defogger" - he hadn't really heard that before, here it's "demister". And "passing" is "overtaking" (which almost kind of goes along with ways of thinking over here. "Passing" sounds like just a natural, necessary thing to do, as it is regarded in the US. "Overtaking" almost sounds more mean and aggressive and negative.). Also along such silly lines, speed bumps and other bizarre inconvenient ways they mess up the road to make you slow down are simply called "traffic calming measures". How gentle. How wimpy.

So we go to the test center, wait, anxious, anxious, anxious. The examiners all come out together and each go to their assigned victim in the waiting room. I got some guy whose personality I couldn't really get much of a sense of. But he kind of mumbled. I had to ask him a couple times to repeat himself. Fortunately it wasn't at any point critical to driving. He just asked me maybe a couple small talk questions during the exam.The exam started off kind of awkwardly as I ended up on the same test route as another driver in front of me, going for their exam. And they were pretty awkward at it. So being stuck behind them for a good stretch of time made me drive less naturally and comfortably. I eventually managed to pass, I mean "overtake", them after we'd both pulled over and I was informed that I was going to begin my "independent driving" portion of the exam.

Now this part I hadn't been too worried about. The examiner will either tell you to follow signs for this town or that landmark and you just drive along, without the examiner telling you exactly which turns to take. Or they tell you a set of directions, showing you a diagram of it, and expect you to be a human GPS ("SatNav") and follow the directions. Fortunately, they can't fail you for taking a wrong turn, so long as you still execute your journey in a safe and sensible manner. The examiner shows me a diagram of a thick black line going straight, then to the right, then a quarter-circle path, indicating a roundabout that I should take the first left out of, and then another line straight up from that, with three streets coming off of the left. The examiner tells me, "Go to the end of this street, take a right, take your first left at the roundabout, and then take your third left." Ok, I thought, simple enough. I can do that. I am told, "Move off when you are ready". I do the move off ritual of putting the car in drive, check my left mirror, check my center mirror, check my right mirror, check over my right shoulder, signal, release the parking brake, and move off. I drive off, calmly thinking "Right at the end of the street, yup...", and then in front of me I see this:

What. the. heck. is. that. ??

 This is what the junction looks like on Google maps (I was coming towards it from point A):

At first, I asked the examiner if I'm supposed to turn right at that "cross piece of the A shaped roads" and he told me "No, at the end". Ok... um... make sense of this fast, make sense of this fast. I got to the "top of the A", beared left, and then moved my car over to the right hand side of that piece of road, put on my right blinker, look down the street, and see all cars coming towards me. Ohhhh.... Ooops... I got flustered, there were other cars on the left of me at this point, trying to sneak by awkward me, blocking up the road. I eventually figured out that I was supposed to go up the left hand side of the U-shaped road segment, got to the very very end of the mess of roads, and made my right turn.

I continued on, having no idea how I was doing. I'd done ok with the "Emergency stop" (The examiner takes you to an empty road and has you drive and when he says stop, you're supposed to slam on the brakes without skidding or setting off the thudding antilock braking system. Then parking brake, put car in neutral, and when you're given the go-ahead, put your car in drive, check your left, center, and right mirror, parking brake down, and move off.), but I did do some of the motions out of sequence for some of the pull over/move off procedures. It was so nerve racking having the examiner sitting there and hearing and seeing him make little scratchings on his scoring sheet. They only mark stuff down that you've done wrong. If you get more than 15 "minor faults" or one "major fault" then you fail. But unfortunately what constitutes a fault is not very quantifiable and seems subject to opinion.

We drove back to the test center, he had me perform the "reverse into a parking spot" maneuver in the parking lot there, which went reasonably ok. And then I was told to turn off the car. And the test was done. He scribbles away on his score sheet, I really have zero idea what to expect, and he tells me "I'm sorry, but you did not pass." My stomach drops. It was because of the junction. The stupid, evil, horribly constructed junction. My fault was "failure to observe traffic signs/signals". And ok, I did have one other little incident where three lanes suddenly merge into two, one of which was blocked by a bus, and I didn't see the car behind me in the lane I was merging into, nor did I signal. "Failure to check mirrors", Major Fault 2. He tells me "Well, I wish you luck in your future endeavors. Goodbye.". Yeah. Gee. Thanks. My instructor then got in the car, drove me back home, and I am just fuming and stressing. Really not wanting to take public transit to work. And time was running out.

Lesson Time!

So, I had called around to a few different driving schools, getting quotes, finding out availabilities. It's not like in the States where, as I recall, you have to have a certain number of hours of classroom and road training for drivers ed before you can get your license. Here lessons seem more optional. But you're sure gonna need them! A driving school set me up with their automatic guy, and learning time began. By this time, I had already booked my road test at one of the few test centers in the area for September 20th. Yet again, time slots were scarce, and this was one of the earliest I could find. Otherwise I was looking at early into October. Yikes! My license turns into a pumpkin by Halloween, that's cutting it close. And another thing about "convenience" here. In the unlikely event that something IS actually "convenient" - you're penalized for it. The driving test normally costs £62. Unless you want to take it at a time that would be convenient for most normal, working people, on nights or weekends. Then the driving test costs £75. Well, "lucky" for me, I couldn't even find a night or weekend test any time soon, so no worries there. My test was scheduled for 3pm, so only having to work until 1pm on a Friday this worked out well, and I wouldn't even have to take time off from work.

My instructor was a nice fellow in a much abused but decent car (using his own personal car for all of his lessons... poor guy...). I was just grateful that it was responsive and functional enough. I rented a car for work once here, some *diesel* thing that sounded like a tractor and made me fear for my life every time I entered a roundabout because it just wouldn't accelerate. I don't get the diesel thing here. So I was afraid of having lessons in similar, but fortunately not. My instructor also convinced me not to take the test on my own, with my own car, but to use his and have him accompany me. I'd heard mixed reviews both ways, but I took his advice, already starting to question myself and if I really wanted to show up for my driving test in my Hello Kitty mobile. (Not that I'm not otherwise immensely proud and thrilled with it!).

So the lessons go, week after week, the price was fair, I didn't mind. I wanted as much help as I could get, starting to get a grasp on just how horrendous this UK driving test is. Reading all sorts of horror stories online. Looking at the statistics. The average passing rate in for the driving test in the UK is somewhere around 45%. Where I tested, it was 34% for females. I could drive. That was a simple fact. But the lessons weren't so much to learn how to drive, but to learn how to pass the test. As part of the test you have to do one of four maneuvers, either parallel park, reverse into a parking space, reverse around a corner, or three point turn. My biggest problem was the parallel parking. Sure, of course I've wiggled my way into many an impossible parking spot in Boston, NYC. Sometimes successful, sometimes with several sad, awkward passes back and forth, but sure, technically I can parallel park. But nope, this is all about the "performance". Master the right choreography. Hit the curb and fail. The instructor asked to see my parallel parking skills, so I showed him. Not particularly elegantly, but I got right behind the car he asked me to park behind. And then he informs me I'm too close to the car. What? I put the car back in the original position and then he leads me through how I "should" park. Reverse... a gradual angle.... straighten... handbrake, put the car in park. (Another thing that fully messed with my head. The parking brake is always the first thing I release when going or the last thing I engage when stopping. But here you're supposed to shift into park or reverse first, look all around, and *then* release the parking brake just before you take off. And when you stop, it's the first thing you engage. Weird.). So the car was positioned in the result of a test-standard successful parallel park. Which was about one car length behind the car in front of me, and no car behind me. Where would I ever use that!?!? That's not "parallel parking"! If I encountered this on the street and needed to park, I would simply pull up straight, behind the car in front of me! I'm spending all this time and anxiety learning this, why? Again, no logic here. But I learned that choreographed routine, complete with mirror checks and all. Learned how to reverse into a parking space - and it would be easier if there were cars on either side, it would give you a better target, but no, you have to reverse down a row of empty parking spaces, perpendicular to your car, and swing cleanly and straightly into one. Why?? What's wrong with driving straight into a parking space!?

And mirrors. Mirrors mirrors mirrors mirrors, it's ALL about the mirrors. That's what everyone had told me, and that's what seems true. You need to be ON your mirrors, OCD with them, checking all the time, as if someone's following you. Before you slow down - check mirror, before you speed up - check mirror, before you go any which way - check your mirror, before you signal - check your mirror. This I had a hard time with. So ok, sorry I just rear ended you/ran into your kid, I was too busy checking my mirror to make sure there were no cars too close and it was safe to brake before I was able to actually brake. After several lessons, I eventually was broken into the habit. Even the instructor, himself, had no good reason why I needed to take the test and Canadians didn't. "We just don't like Americans?", he offered up. (Joking, of course). And even the instructor himself said "Yes, many of these rules are dumb. Yes, many of these things you don't really do and will never use again. But it's just simply what you have to do for the test, I'm afraid.". He also said "Clearly you can drive, you do ok here, you've been driving to work all this time, but it's all about putting on a show for the examiners." Wouldn't it be more logical and fair and accurate if the instructor was simply to assess that you were fit for driving? All this time spent with them, seeing your real, every day, average driving, VS this one 40 minute performance that you have to execute once, impeccably.

My instructor also advised me to switch my test to a different center, closer to my house, where we could practice in the area more easily. As the test drew closer, I would spend some time driving around that area after work from time to time. I even went so far as to purchase test routes online that I could download for my Garmin. Unfortunately they never worked. I contacted the company and finally got a minimally helpful customer service response of telling me to look at the instructions on the Garmin website to perform what I already had, to try to load the routes onto my Garmin. I still drove around the area, and by test time, I figured I was as ready as I was ever going to be. I also felt like it was partly up to luck and the mood of the examiner and if I looked in the mirror 9 instead of 10 times, I could fail.

And my instructor did kind of raise my fears a little by asking me "What happens if you fail? Have you thought about what you will do?", pointing out that my US license was to become invalid awfully soon, and pointing out how close I cut it. I explained to him that I was just following the rules, waiting until 6 months before I got my provisional license here. He asks me "Huh? Is that some new rule?". I explain to him that you have to wait 6 months after moving here before you can apply for a provisional license. We were both a bit confused and unsure of which of us knew what they were talking about. I later investigated it online, on my expat message boards, other sources. And lo and behold it IS some vague, wishy washy suggestion that you wait the 6 months, and I am certain somewhere that it states you have to live in the UK for 180 days of the year, and when you fill out the application online it does ask when you moved to the UK. But darn it, I then see other expats saying that they applied and got their provisional license "straight away", by just going and applying on the assumption that yes, they do *plan* to live here for 180 days or more and that is good enough. And had I only known that, I wouldn't have ended up taking the test weeks from my US license being due to expire. But hindsight, what can you do? And lousy vague UK wishy-washy rules. Like when I asked the UK Border Guards at the airport which immigration line I should go in and was told "Eh, it depends, it's a matter of opinion". Gee, so would they be so lackadaisical about when my license expires and when I actually immigrated here? ;)

And to answer one question that even I had - yes, I have many passport stamps into the country after all my travels, how would they know which is which and which stamp I officially "settled" here on? Answer: they stamp the first "settling" stamp directly over your visa that is stuck in your passport. Doh.

The Theory Exam

Why can't it be as easy as in the States, why? One center, sure possibly long and obnoxious queues, but once you're there, boom, done, application, picture, learner's permit. Then go back, eye test, theory test, road test, done. All in one fell swoop. Nope. They like waiting here. They like inconveniencing people. And they especially like "apologising for the inconvenience".

Here driving culture is a bit different, too. Driving is more for the rich and privileged, it seems. It's quite common for people to not have licenses. Not like in the States where driving, guns, and TV are pretty much your rights as a citizen, and every kid upon turning 16 suddenly has a license.

So, step two - the written exam. And no sir, it is not a simple handful of common sense questions that are covered in the pamphlet you can get at the DMV. It's points upon points upon points of minute facts and things that you wouldn't even expect. And while all of these fussy points are published to the public on the DVLA website, there is no free hand-out pamphlet. So it is common and a wise idea to purchase an official DVLA "rules of the road" book, that lists driving rules and the questions that you could possibly get on the exam. They even make software that you can buy that trains you for the reaction test. Part of the theory exam is sitting in front of the computer watching video footage of driving behind the wheel and clicking the mouse when you see hazards. The written test, itself, is 50 questions long, of which you have to get 43 correct to pass. Sounded rough. Especially having had a minorly traumatic time taking the GRE's years ago, being well unprepared for it. So I bought the book, I went through the whole tedious thing, even though they repeated questions in different sections. How efficiently written. Some questions and scenarios just blew my mind, such as:

 What kind of backwards old-school world have I stepped into!? I was complaining to my sister about it, and she joked "When approaching a castle whose drawbridge is one lane, does the car coming from or going to the castle yield?". She was being light and funny about it. And then I sent her this picture from my English travels:

 HA! Been there, done that, it's not just a joke. And clearly the large black arrow indicates that the car coming towards you would have the right of way.

So, once I felt at least partially studied enough, I started looking into booking the Theory Test. And of course since this country loves to queue and be inconvenient, it was slim pickins' for dates and times to actually take the test. I settled on August 12, stupidly early at 8am, because it was all that was available. And to make things even more difficult and complicated, you're not allowed to book your road test until you have passed your theory test. So I was surely relieved when I did pass, no problem, just one question wrong. That part accomplished. After all this learning of how you "should" drive, everybody else has all the rights, you have no rights, always yield to people and horses and bicycles and insects, I came to the conclusion that this country is full of wimps. Fine by me, I'm happy to cut them! Which they just about always let you. Unless it's a BMW. BMWs are jerks. Universal, international truth.

In the meantime, I had also been looking into driving lessons, since I already knew that there would be habits that I as an American would have to be broken of if I wanted to pass the UK driving exam. My husband would say, "Oh, yeah, get ready to pull the handbrake at every stoplight. They could fail you if you don't!" I laughed and thought that it was just another sarcastic jab of his at this country (can't say he didn't warn me... he totally did.) But no, that really is a thing. You really are expected to use the parking brake if you're at an extended stop - at a stoplight, waiting for pedestrians to cross, in a queue of traffic. At first I thought maybe it's more aimed towards all of the people who drive standard (it's rare to drive automatics here. But they suggest it as a solution to make driving easier for the elderly or disabled. So backwards they are here...) but no, various reasons behind it include "So that you can take your foot off the brake and not dazzle the drivers behind you with your brake lights" and "In case you're at a junction and the person behind you bumps into you - to prevent you from lurching out into traffic". Uh-huh. Ok. And hand-over-hand turning. I was warned that that was a big no-no here.

So, I managed to find myself the rare automatic car driving instructor. Here, if you get a license for an automatic, you are only allowed to drive an automatic and would have to retest if you want to drive standard. My instructor warned me of this, making sure I wouldn't want to drive standard. No thank you. Why don't you just rip out the bottom of the car and let me drive with my feet, all Fred Flintstone style. We have advanced technology these days, I will choose to use it. Especially in this ridiculous traffic infested country.

The long and grueling journey to a UK driver's license.

So, I've been wanting to update this more. Really, I have. But there has been one thing that has been plaguing me, consuming me, filling me with anxiety - the UK driving test. "Now wait," you say, "but you HAVE been driving around in the UK all this time. What ever do you speak of?" Welllll, this country being no friend to logic, gets to say, "Hey, we know you've been driving all this time, commuting to work, other excursions, totaling about 200 miles per week, on average. Sure, come here, fresh off the plane, and hop in the car, no problem! Have a go at it! Fumble about in the wrong-side streets, have several near-misses as you're getting used to how all these roundabouts work and what is proper lane discipline in them, drive down these awkward, tiny, so-called two way streets where there's so little space left on the road after all these parked cars are lined up that you'll just have to take turns with oncoming traffic for who gets to pass. But wait, what? You've been living here and driving here for a year now? Oh, no no, we can't have this. You are no longer roadworthy, no longer fit to drive on these remarkably safe British roadways. You are no longer allowed to drive on your US license once the calendar on your immigration date makes it's first complete cycle."

Ok, fine, UK - EU, you've all got this happy buddy-buddy thing going on, so coming from the EU you can simply exchange your license for a UK one. I get that. Open door policy on working, living, and driving. Fair enough. But then I learned that Canadians can also simply exchange their Canadian driving license for a UK one. What!? How is that fair? How is driving in Canada any different than in the US?

Fine, UK, you win, I'll play your game. What choice do I have? Well actually I did seriously consider "Well, how will they really know when I immigrated? How will they line up all the facts? There are barely even cops on the road pulling people over, they just do everything passive-aggressively with cameras and nice little notes/tickets being sent to your home after the fact. It would be unlikely I'd be actually caught..." It's not that I don't generally play by the rules, but when the rules are so backwards and illogical and hypocritical then "meh", little regard. But then the fear that I would be in an accident and the other party would claim whiplash (which is another national pastime here) and my insurance would be invalidated by my invalid license was too great. So, I waited until after 6 months from when I immigrated here, as I had heard you had to do before applying for a provisional license (UK's version of a learner's permit). Started the process early in June, giving me plenty of time before October 31, when my US license became null and void in the UK. And yes, no mercy here, I had to start all the way at the beginning - provisional license, then take the the written (theory) test, then take the road (practical) test. No credit or steps skipped for, you know, already being able to drive here. I fill in the form online, state that I have lived here for 180 days, pay my money (and yes, I will get to the total cost of the racket that is driving here) and wait patiently for further instruction. Weeks later I got a letter in the mail stating that I needed to provide more information, fill out the paper I was sent confirming my details (Hello Your Name at Your Address where we mailed this form to. Do you live at Your Address? Um... yes...), send in two regulation size photographs (no there is no convenient center to go and do all of this, it is all by mail and you have to supply your own photos), and oh, send us your passport so we can verify you are you, and plan to not have it for a month. What!? I have to surrender my passport? I desperately sought any other way to do this in person, but unfortunately there was none. The Brits have it easier, as they have some sort of digital passport, so they can simply enter their digital UK passport number and all the info is right there. But non citizens have to mail in their passport. Well... I had plans in Germany towards the end of June, so this simply will not do. I had to call the DVLA (the UK's registry of motor vehicles and licensing) and ask that my application be extended. And then there wasn't much else I could do until I returned from Germany. So, by early July, as soon as I returned, I mailed off the application, mailed off my photos, and reluctantly mailed off my passport. Got my passport back a couple weeks later, and my provisional license shortly after. Ok, first part sorted. Mid-June now.  

Overdue Barcelona Photos

So, yeah, we went to Barcelona back during Easter weekend. Yeah, photos 1/4 a year overdue. Well, here goes.

Easter Parade

Chocolate Museum! (One of many I've been to in the world!)

Our nifty spacey hotel

random street chicken sign!

Umm...?

In case of fire, hitting and removing the plastic!

You know, where Ferrets go and have lunch during their workday.

Neck Plates!

Why are the eggs here so angry?

Somehow I don't quite think that's correct.

Haikus - UK updates

Well, clearly I can't seem to keep this updated, so instead of real posts, I'm going to use haikus and photos.

Random updates from May through now:

Birmingham is lame

Nice day, picnic in the park...

Hello Kitty theft!!! 

:(

 Hubby is so great

Kitties car not once, but twice

Stuck for good, this time!

Day trip, off to Wales!

 What's Welsh Rarebit? Sounds dodgy.

Oh! Cheese on toast? Yum!

 Need UK license

Studying rules of the road

 Are you kidding me!?

Canal side pizza

Too cool hipster restaurant

 London is so fun

 Walk from pizza place

 Oh look, a garden party!

London is so fun

Muchly Overdue

Ok, ok, I've been slacking. Well, while some people seem to feel the need to pose everything to the internets, pictures of their cats (well, ok, I DO like the cat pictures), what they've had for breakfast, etc, etc, I've been just too busy to post of all my adventures. And wow, apparently writing while on the train, because all that is between London and Birmingham is sheep and no cell phone reception, is not a good solution.
Well, here are my top excuses (adventures) for why I have not been updating


1. Visited Barcelona over Easter weekend
2. Went back to the states briefly in April
3. Hosted pairs of German friends in February and April
4. Went to Leipzig, Germany, in May for a lovely music festival with friends from all corners of the world
5. Hanging out with/making more friends in Birmingham
6. Day trip to Wales - that's where all the ice cream in the country is hiding!
7. Going to Germany again next weekend - this time it'll be a road trip! Stopping off in Belgium along the way, somewhere, just because we can. And I've been told they have some of the best chocolate in the world.

More to come! I owe pictures. I owe lots of stuff. And boy oh boy is there more to rant about. Like cockamaime driving rules, my quest to get my UK license, total lack of summer, the tragic de-Kittying and triumphant re-Kittying of my car. Will try to post more regularly. Really, really.