The Theory Exam

Why can't it be as easy as in the States, why? One center, sure possibly long and obnoxious queues, but once you're there, boom, done, application, picture, learner's permit. Then go back, eye test, theory test, road test, done. All in one fell swoop. Nope. They like waiting here. They like inconveniencing people. And they especially like "apologising for the inconvenience".

Here driving culture is a bit different, too. Driving is more for the rich and privileged, it seems. It's quite common for people to not have licenses. Not like in the States where driving, guns, and TV are pretty much your rights as a citizen, and every kid upon turning 16 suddenly has a license.

So, step two - the written exam. And no sir, it is not a simple handful of common sense questions that are covered in the pamphlet you can get at the DMV. It's points upon points upon points of minute facts and things that you wouldn't even expect. And while all of these fussy points are published to the public on the DVLA website, there is no free hand-out pamphlet. So it is common and a wise idea to purchase an official DVLA "rules of the road" book, that lists driving rules and the questions that you could possibly get on the exam. They even make software that you can buy that trains you for the reaction test. Part of the theory exam is sitting in front of the computer watching video footage of driving behind the wheel and clicking the mouse when you see hazards. The written test, itself, is 50 questions long, of which you have to get 43 correct to pass. Sounded rough. Especially having had a minorly traumatic time taking the GRE's years ago, being well unprepared for it. So I bought the book, I went through the whole tedious thing, even though they repeated questions in different sections. How efficiently written. Some questions and scenarios just blew my mind, such as:

 What kind of backwards old-school world have I stepped into!? I was complaining to my sister about it, and she joked "When approaching a castle whose drawbridge is one lane, does the car coming from or going to the castle yield?". She was being light and funny about it. And then I sent her this picture from my English travels:

 HA! Been there, done that, it's not just a joke. And clearly the large black arrow indicates that the car coming towards you would have the right of way.

So, once I felt at least partially studied enough, I started looking into booking the Theory Test. And of course since this country loves to queue and be inconvenient, it was slim pickins' for dates and times to actually take the test. I settled on August 12, stupidly early at 8am, because it was all that was available. And to make things even more difficult and complicated, you're not allowed to book your road test until you have passed your theory test. So I was surely relieved when I did pass, no problem, just one question wrong. That part accomplished. After all this learning of how you "should" drive, everybody else has all the rights, you have no rights, always yield to people and horses and bicycles and insects, I came to the conclusion that this country is full of wimps. Fine by me, I'm happy to cut them! Which they just about always let you. Unless it's a BMW. BMWs are jerks. Universal, international truth.

In the meantime, I had also been looking into driving lessons, since I already knew that there would be habits that I as an American would have to be broken of if I wanted to pass the UK driving exam. My husband would say, "Oh, yeah, get ready to pull the handbrake at every stoplight. They could fail you if you don't!" I laughed and thought that it was just another sarcastic jab of his at this country (can't say he didn't warn me... he totally did.) But no, that really is a thing. You really are expected to use the parking brake if you're at an extended stop - at a stoplight, waiting for pedestrians to cross, in a queue of traffic. At first I thought maybe it's more aimed towards all of the people who drive standard (it's rare to drive automatics here. But they suggest it as a solution to make driving easier for the elderly or disabled. So backwards they are here...) but no, various reasons behind it include "So that you can take your foot off the brake and not dazzle the drivers behind you with your brake lights" and "In case you're at a junction and the person behind you bumps into you - to prevent you from lurching out into traffic". Uh-huh. Ok. And hand-over-hand turning. I was warned that that was a big no-no here.

So, I managed to find myself the rare automatic car driving instructor. Here, if you get a license for an automatic, you are only allowed to drive an automatic and would have to retest if you want to drive standard. My instructor warned me of this, making sure I wouldn't want to drive standard. No thank you. Why don't you just rip out the bottom of the car and let me drive with my feet, all Fred Flintstone style. We have advanced technology these days, I will choose to use it. Especially in this ridiculous traffic infested country.